When Two Practices Come Together

There is something magical about birth. Often times I arrive at a family’s home in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning when the world is so very calm. On a chilly night in mid November I attended a birth that would take my appreciation for our local midwives to a whole new level.

Upon my arrival at the client’s house I could see that her contractions had slowed down and she was feeling restless. My gut told me this was “the calm before the storm”.

 We chatted about the day and how her labour had progressed to the present moment. To keep labour’s momentum going we set out into the cool night air for a walk. Upon our returned I suggested she lay down with her partner to have a one-on-one moment before their baby arrived. About ten minutes later I heard my client stirring as she announced that something felt very different. Her contractions had begun to come on strong and maintained their intensity for a full minute or more - Labour was certainly progressing.

As all the signs of labour were present, I encouraged the family to call their midwives. The call was made and shortly thereafter the midwife arrived. She had just come from a birth and would no doubt attend another after this one. This particular night was a very busy one for the midwives of Thunder Bay, so much so that my client’s team of primary caregivers were all attending other births. Lucky for us there was a midwife from a second clinic who was available to join our team. Yes, we are fortunate enough to have not one but two midwifery clinics here in our small yet amazing Northern city. It was clear to see that my client was feeling apprehensive about having a “stranger” at her birth. But with a bit of reassurance we were able to preserve our focus and continued to move forward.

When the second midwife arrived my client was working hard and had nearly made it to the pushing phase. The two midwives greeted each other kindly and continued their work seamlessly. The labouring mother was immediately reassured. There was no doubt that this would be a successful homebirth and that we would soon be welcoming a sweet baby in the next few hours. The collaboration between midwives, doula and family was incredible. There was a feeling of excitement in the room as we all dedicated ourselves to the moment. I will never forget that night! Thank you to all the wonderful midwives here in Thunder Bay! We appreciate you!

An Interview With Dahlia

Writing from home is not an easy task…

First off I am not a writer, I know this and can easily admit it. It takes a great deal of effort for me to sit and compose something I am not too self-conscious to share. Secondly, my husband and I share a small space on the third floor of our home and he loves to listen to lively classical piano. (feeling dizzy) Thirdly, our three-year-old daughter thinks the world revolves around her (as three-year-olds do) and insists that I make her snacks all day. “I’M HUNGRY!!”

Now that brings us to today’s’ post! I bring to you an interview with Dahlia Lily McGoey, my youngest daughter.

Me: What is manan’s job?

D: Doing the doula. (proudly grins up at me)

Me: Do you know what it means to be a doula?

D: No….

Me: Really?!

D: You help people with their babies. You work with moms!!! (shouts with her arms in the air).

Me: How about Dads? Do I work with dads?

D: NO, dads don’t have babies in their bellies. (rubs her belly)

Me: How do you feel about me being a Doula?

D: Great! (gives me a thumbs up)

Me: Where do I work?

D: At The Doula Shop.

Me: You were born at home, is there another place for babies to be born?

D: Mexico?

Me: Where was your sister born?

D: Mexico?

Me: Yes babies are born all over the world. So all babies are born at home, in Mexico or at the Doula Shop?

D: Yes!

Me: Are there many doulas in Thunder Bay?

D: No

Me: Do we need more doulas to help families?

D: YES!

Dahlia turns into the interviewer

D: Is Doula work fun?

Me: Yes, it’s very interesting!

D: Maman…babies come out of vaginas.

Me: They sure do.

This interview brought several interesting points to my attention.

My child is still quite innocent when it comes to the topic of birth, which I really don’t mind (for now). She knows little about her birth or the birth of her siblings. She has no interest in what her adult counter parts are doing as long as she is fed and entertained. Also, she is a big fan of Mexico! Hahaha!

Much love!

Dom

My Breast...Feeding Story

After an amazing yet fairly uneventful birth I brought my first daughter home. She was this tiny yet fierce little being and in so many ways she scared the crap out of me. I had not expected to feel so uneasy and that feeling in it self shook me. How could I feel so uncertain about something so “natural”? Wasn’t I just supposed to know how to be a mother? I held her awkwardly in my arms while staring at her in disbelief and she began to cry, then scream and then wail. My husband was such a great help, a natural you could say and thankfully he seemed to know exactly how to soothe her.

Then the moment came, I had to feed my baby. Simple, bring the baby to the breast and nurse her. That is exactly how I had envisioned it. Easy, right? This was not the case, at least not for me. I seriously struggled with my coordination and anxiety. I had never felt quite that inadequate before. When I finally did get her “on the boob” I was not very concerned with technique or latch. To be honest I did not even know what a good latch looked like, all that mattered was that she was not crying. After days of this my nipples began to break down. I needed help, breastfeeding is not supposed to hurt…right? When the midwives came to check up on the sobbing mess I had become they gasped at the sight of my nipples… or lack thereof. I was in so much pain, pain like I had never experienced before (and I had just given birth). I could not even wear a shirt. This mama walked around topless for a very, very long time. We continued to look for new ways to ease the pain and maintain my supply. I used herbs to keep my milk flowing and every cream and nipple shield under the sun to soothe my beat up lady bits. We became experts in lactation aids and reached out to lactation consultants including Dr. Jack Newman. His cream saved what was left of my nipples. I have to add that I could not have managed any of the above without my insanely supportive husband.

Between the hormones, the lack of sleep and the relentless pain I felt I was surely losing my mind. My husband tried to reassure me, but all I felt towards him at the time was resentment. What could he possibly know about what I was going through? He did not have breasts!!! It was MY responsibility to feed this baby and I was failing miserably. No one had told me it would be so difficult, that I would feel lonely or such disappointment. Kilianne was breastfed until she was six months old, then I expressed milk by hand for four more months. Sadly I could not use a breast pump, it was just too painful. At ten months she received her first bottle of formula. That was a difficult moment for me and I found myself once again in an unknown zone. It came with some doubt and of course guilt but mostly it brought me relief. I could feed my daughter without feeling pain and my anxiety lessoned. She could feel it too and I began to feel more like a mother and less like a dairy cow.

Breastfeeding knocked me clear off my mama game and I can admit that now (6 years later). It was and remains the most challenging experience of my life. Would I repeat the way that I handle it? Maybe not but I don’t regret my decisions, they have shown me that I am strong, fiercely stubborn and truly a mother. The pressure I felt came solely from myself. As mothers we doubt ourselves because we care so deeply for our children and we stumble only to find new footing. If you find yourself in unknown territory and are unsure just know that you are not alone and you will find YOUR way. 

Much love,

Dom

Listening and Being Heard

As a child I was incredibly shy, many would say cripplingly so. I rarely made intentional contact with others, therefore voicing my beliefs, concerns or even my needs rarely occurred. This meant that “Santa” did not know what I wanted for Christmas and that my mother had no idea how much I hated spaghetti. As I got older (and really sick of eating spaghetti) I knew I had to make a change. I could no longer blame others for my silence. It became clear that if I didn’t learn to manage my anxiety and directly ask for what I wanted I would keep getting socks for Christmas. So many socks…. I would never be heard and inevitably feel left out.

At first I felt seriously inadequate, how was I going to connect with others when I had little to no experience in communicating? Then came the realization that a conversation has two key components, sharing and listening. I knew I could do one of those very well! After all those years of silence I had become a very good listener, I was literally all ears. All that was left to do now was to engage someone in conversation so that I could get to the part I was good at…listening. After several failed attempts and so many awkward moments it slowly got easier and in turn I grew more sure of myself. Eye contact, hand shaking, initiating and maintaining conversation, all of it became more natural and enjoyable. I met so many people in a very short period of time. A whole new world became available to me and I was loving it!

As you could imagine it lead to some undesirable situations as well but my ability to observe and read others was a great tool. It kept me sharp and most times out of trouble. The thing I began to notice most was that we all have the need to be heard. More often than not we just need to get it out, we are not necessarily looking for advice or reassurance. Certainly guidance can be an added bonus but having someone listen, I mean deeply listen to us is incredibly healing.

Knowing that others opened up to me easily grew my confidence and from that point on I reached out more and in turn received more. My husband will often say, “I can’t believe how people open up to you”. Support comes in so many forms and I am grateful to have the opportunity to listen and share for a living. That shy girl still exists inside of me, she keeps me humble and I am happy to say that she no longer stops me from getting I want. I encourage you to reach out! A kind smile and great manners really do go a long way!

I would love to read about your experiences with listening and being heard, please feel free to leave your story in the comment section!

Much love!

Dom

Mom to Mom - Social Media

I follow several “mom to mom” pages on social media. Some may ask, WHY?

Sometimes I ask myself that very same question.

Some posts, as innocent as they may seem, can and do stir up some deep feelings. Everyone has an opinion…obviously. I am fairly certain that the majority of the people who participate in these conversations are adults and could conduct themselves as such. There is no need for name-calling or over zealous CAPS style comments. Very rarely am I tempted to reach through the screen and give someone a shake (rarely) but let’s be honest there is a bully in almost every crowd. 

So, if you are having a bad day and don’t have anything nice or constructive to say… don’t say anything at all. I’m not recommending withholding information, let’s just be polite! As we all know there are two sides to every story.

Now here are a few simple reasons why I love these sites:

·     It gives me insight as to what people want to know about pregnancy, birth and the postpartum period.

·      I can easily spot the “trends” or popular beliefs/disbeliefs that exist in my community.

·      From time to time I can answer a flustered writers question.

·      It’s a great place to share resources.

·      I really do discover new things.

·      Oh yeah, I am a mom. ;)

Nearly every time I visit these pages I am blown away by the encouragement and support that takes place in these exchanges. Women from every walk of life sharing on several subjects with helpful insight, knowledgeable facts, true wisdom and real concern….BRILLIANT! Some posts will receive 50+ replies with constructive comments. For new parents this can be a valuable resource. Receiving advice or direction from a mother on a social media site also means you can read through the comments and select the advice that suits you without feeling like you have hurt anyone’s feelings (mother, mother in law, sister, sister in law, aunt, granny, neighbor, etc.). It certainly can save you from choosing to Google a topic (that’s a topic for another day - being left with the task of triaging through loads of unrelated articles can be daunting.)

As a subscriber to these pages and a frequent “commenter” I want to send out a big thank you to those of you who take the time to reply in a polite and helpful manner. It can be really scary to put yourself out there for the world to judge! We all have doubts and seeing others share their concerns and curiosities assures us that we are all in fact human.

Much love!

Guess Date...

Lets talk about estimated due dates or what I like to call guess dates.

When we meet our OB or midwife for the first prenatal appointment we are keen to know a few things. Mainly, we want to know how far along we are (so that we can begin to share the news) and more importantly when will our little ones make their big arrival. What month and what day exactly… So out comes the little cardboard wheel and gaza it’s decided. The date is noted in your chart and you now have the headline that everyone has been waiting for. The date is shared with anyone and everyone. When people ask, “when are you due?” you can satisfy their curiosity with a precise date.

Fast forward several months…

You are well into your third trimester and your body is in full pregnancy mode. Your “glow” is a topic to be discussed by everyone and your growing belly is literally up for grabs. There is a chance you may be feeling overwhelmed with preparation and appointments, feeling tired from the constant pee breaks and advice everyone seems to think you need. And then, your phone begins to buzz incessantly with concerns, questions and well wishes. “Is the baby here yet?” “Aren’t you due anytime now?” Those naps you’ve been encouraged to take become impossible and suddenly your mother in law is camped out on your doorstep. Well why wouldn’t she be, isn’t your due date right around the corner?

The last few weeks of your pregnancy are spent smiling, nodding and repeating, “why yes it’s nearly time, I’m due (insert exact due date here).” The early signs of labour become the only thing on your mind. Instead of enjoying time with your partner, family and friends, you find yourself on high alert for bloody show and the loss of your mucus plug. When your “due date” comes and goes, as it may, (only 5% of women deliver on their “due dates”) you may feel disappointed. To add to the matter your health care provider points out the obvious, you are in fact “overdue”, like you hadn’t noticed. It’s fair to assume that you may begin to ask yourself why hasn’t labour started, will my baby be huge if it isn’t born tomorrow or am I doing something wrong? At this point you will do nearly anything to get the show on the road. Lunges, squats, marathon walks, climbing flights of stairs, double dutch skipping, and so on. (This may be a slight exaggeration, or not ;)

There is not a healthcare provider out there that likes to see the look of disappointment on a pregnant woman’s face. This leads us to the “overdue menu”, everything from drinking castor oil to an internal sweep. I want to be clear, some of these methods may work and none of them are mandatory but there is a good chance they will be offered to you.

Overdue, what a word!? Your delivery is not like a bill you haven’t paid, or a turkey that has been left in the oven too long, and I can promise that you will not be marked with a red stamp. It is not uncommon for deliveries to occur shortly before or after their intended date. So unless there are any underlying health issues during your pregnancy or in your past let your labour and delivery come as it may.

If this has not been your experience, I am so happy for you. If your sister, friend, cousin, neighbor, coworker or anyone you know is experiencing this I recommend bringing over a casserole or muffins. If you are invited in, be gentle with your questions and don’t overstay your welcome. Advice is welcome, if and only if it is requested.

Rest easy and much love,

Dom

"Get Out Of The Way Dad"

Dear husband/partner,  

Let me introduce myself… “My name is Dominique and I am a doula.”

First off, you may be wondering what is a doula anyway? The short answer is that a doula is someone who will help you with one of the most exciting and rewarding experiences of your life - birth.

Perhaps you already have a midwife or an OB and you are wondering why your spouse/partner is considering having a doula at your baby’s birth? Maybe you’ve been handed a detailed list of the positive effects that come along with doula care? Maybe you looked them up yourself? (High five!) Or maybe this is the first you’ve heard of a doula. No matter which, you most likely have questions and/or concerns, which is totally normal!  

The first thing I want you to know is that my services are not meant to replace your abilities. What you know and feel about your partner is incredibly valuable. Your capability to comfort, encourage and connect with her is completely unique to you and for those reasons I could never stand in your place.  

Second, no matter how many books are read, or videos watched, it is difficult to anticipate how you may react when your beloved is engaged in active labour. Learning how to conquer and understand your own feelings/reactions will ensure that she will not have to take care of you while she should be focused on childbirth. With this I can help by sharing the information that relates to your specific requirements and wishes. Work accomplished before labour is work we will not need to do while your partner is labouring. 

So, think of me as your guide on a hike to a peak you have not yet endeavored. Together we will find the right map and highlight the important steps. You can hold the compass, select the pace and I will carry the flashlight to light the path for you, so that you can be ready for what lays ahead. Birth and its many options can be a lot to navigate and having a team can lighten the load.

I look forward to hearing and answering all of your questions!

Dom

(please, call me Dom)