After an amazing yet fairly uneventful birth I brought my first daughter home. She was this tiny yet fierce little being and in so many ways she scared the crap out of me. I had not expected to feel so uneasy and that feeling in it self shook me. How could I feel so uncertain about something so “natural”? Wasn’t I just supposed to know how to be a mother? I held her awkwardly in my arms while staring at her in disbelief and she began to cry, then scream and then wail. My husband was such a great help, a natural you could say and thankfully he seemed to know exactly how to soothe her.
Then the moment came, I had to feed my baby. Simple, bring the baby to the breast and nurse her. That is exactly how I had envisioned it. Easy, right? This was not the case, at least not for me. I seriously struggled with my coordination and anxiety. I had never felt quite that inadequate before. When I finally did get her “on the boob” I was not very concerned with technique or latch. To be honest I did not even know what a good latch looked like, all that mattered was that she was not crying. After days of this my nipples began to break down. I needed help, breastfeeding is not supposed to hurt…right? When the midwives came to check up on the sobbing mess I had become they gasped at the sight of my nipples… or lack thereof. I was in so much pain, pain like I had never experienced before (and I had just given birth). I could not even wear a shirt. This mama walked around topless for a very, very long time. We continued to look for new ways to ease the pain and maintain my supply. I used herbs to keep my milk flowing and every cream and nipple shield under the sun to soothe my beat up lady bits. We became experts in lactation aids and reached out to lactation consultants including Dr. Jack Newman. His cream saved what was left of my nipples. I have to add that I could not have managed any of the above without my insanely supportive husband.
Between the hormones, the lack of sleep and the relentless pain I felt I was surely losing my mind. My husband tried to reassure me, but all I felt towards him at the time was resentment. What could he possibly know about what I was going through? He did not have breasts!!! It was MY responsibility to feed this baby and I was failing miserably. No one had told me it would be so difficult, that I would feel lonely or such disappointment. Kilianne was breastfed until she was six months old, then I expressed milk by hand for four more months. Sadly I could not use a breast pump, it was just too painful. At ten months she received her first bottle of formula. That was a difficult moment for me and I found myself once again in an unknown zone. It came with some doubt and of course guilt but mostly it brought me relief. I could feed my daughter without feeling pain and my anxiety lessoned. She could feel it too and I began to feel more like a mother and less like a dairy cow.
Breastfeeding knocked me clear off my mama game and I can admit that now (6 years later). It was and remains the most challenging experience of my life. Would I repeat the way that I handle it? Maybe not but I don’t regret my decisions, they have shown me that I am strong, fiercely stubborn and truly a mother. The pressure I felt came solely from myself. As mothers we doubt ourselves because we care so deeply for our children and we stumble only to find new footing. If you find yourself in unknown territory and are unsure just know that you are not alone and you will find YOUR way.
Much love,
Dom